zak's space

half a year has past since i publiced my last blog. well, if it can be called a blog. i thought i would never have a peace mood to write something, and i  was really feeling sorry when some friends, most intimates, asked why i had been too lazy to update my blog but only got the answer " i won't do it again".

at the very beginning when i started my msn space, i did it 100 percent for myself.  yup, selfish as always. once it was very very popular to have a blog or several with their posts and messages from their friends, acquaintances or even strangers.  pretty cool and surely can be proud of. but until i broke up with D i finally realized blog has another function, to comfort. i let my sorrow, upset, angry and sort of regret out naturally in my virgin blog and it really helped a lot . but when i got back to normal, i didn't wanna write a word at all.

i need a reason to spend time typing here. after recalling my blogs i summarized the excuses i have ever taken, a film, a bad hurt, a rock singer, another break-up, and now another film, a brand new break-up and YOU. i will never beg someone to read my blog but when i knew you had been here, got your feedback and we were kinda thinking of something in the same way, ha~~ it was so great and encouraging. coz happyness is only real when shared.

well, cut the crap. i happened to find a film named Into the Wild related with some adventure and Alaska according to the introduction, and have kept it in my laptop for a while. i had planed to have a business travel to chongqing and chengdu this week from tuesday to friday and had booked a air ticket to chongqing taking of at 8:40am. so today i have to get out before 7 and almost lost my wallet at meglev. when i checked in at 8:10 i was told that the flight was delayed, but at that time i didn't realized the flight had to be delayed for 7 hours. screw you, easten airline. why don't you give me another 7 hours delay and you can break your record on me. but it's not everything bad, i got enough time to finish the CSI series i have already downloaded and here comes Christopher Johnson McCandless.

i finished 1st half of this film in the air between chongqing and shanghai. well, time and laptop battery limited. by the way, do you know how strange you will feel about your job after 2 weeks' wonderful vacation? that's what i felt when i had to shut down my laptop 10 minutes before landing. it was so enjoyable.

Chris was an A student and after his graduation from college, he didn't go to harvard as supposed but chose a no-one-would-know alternative. he did exactly what i have dreamed since i was in senior high, tramping around, but in an extreme way. after he donated $24000 to the charity Oxham international he had his car ruined by a flash flood and burned the rest of his money to begin his tramp. he lived an ancient life and full of passion and honest. he  travelled through some states, entered Mexico through colorado river and got back by hiding in a train. then he prepared some food and equipment for his final fantacy, Alaska, his heaven. only left a body without soul, a diary and a note "I HAVE HAD A HAPPY LIFE AND THANK THE LORD. GOODBYE AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL!"

the first 22 years of his life made him an top student, a perfect son and a strong brother. but the last 2 years of his life made him a great man. only at the end of of film did i understand this is a biographic film, and i feel truly sorry for his death. film is to be appreciated and shared, i won't tell more about this film. instead, i strongly recommend you to watch this film and before that, clear up your mood and ask yourself what you really want as a human being. you will think more after enjoying it. (i, I love this film, i like supertramp, but it doesn't mean i am totally agreed with him. though i feel the same about society, i don't like his "ugly parents" thing. ii, tramping is still my dream,  if one day i decide to carry it out, it's gonna be great.)

here is an excerpt from Into the Wild, it's a chris's monolog about his parents after his graduate ceremony.

I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges. I see my father strolling out under the ochre sandstone arch, the red tiles glinting like bent plates of blood behind his head. I see my mother with a few light books at her hip, standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the wrought-iron gates still open behind her, its sword-tips black in the May air. They are about to graduate. They are about to get married. They are kids. They are dumb. All they know is they are innocent, they would never hurt anybody. I want to go up to them and say, "Stop, don't do it. "She's the wrong woman, he's the wrong man. "You are going to do things you cannot imagine you would ever do. "You are going to do bad things to children. "You are going to suffer in ways you never heard of. "You are going to want to die." I want to go up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it. But I don't do it. I want to live. I take them up like the male and female paper dolls, and bang them together at the hips like chips of flint, as if to strike sparks from them. I say, "Do what you are going to do and I will tell about it."

i'll use a photo to end the film topic, here is his real photo in the camera found at the same time as his body.

well... gossip time, i return single a couple of weeks ago and..... if any girl you know want a non-commitment relationship, hit me :)

2:50 am, april 9, 2008

when she got into the cab, closed the rear door, I felt my heart was at that place where bumped. She still waved her hands when the damn engineer noise died away, while I walked in the opposite direction desperately.

It was 19:54pm October 11th, I lowered down my eyesight at the same time I drew out my cell phone from the front pocket of my jeans. 66 minutes advanced than she promised. Frankly, I really don’t know I was sad about her abrupt leave or felt lucky for getting rid of the exhausting countdown game. However I was suffering… so much…. (Hey tianya, I wasn’t and will never be mad at you. If you saw this words, please don’t blame yourself and say sorry to me. It’s always my fault, my natural flaw, greed.)

I am sad, I am lost, I am annoyed, but I am okay. I can enjoy everything, including those negative feelings, injuries, failures. Does that word flash through your mind just now? Freak? Yes, exactly, I am a completely and mentally invincible freak. haha, you see? I would be happy like a new-bore baby and act nearly no differences as before when eating crabs with my snowboarding guys tomorrow, except I miss her more.

Time came back to October 1^st. it was a beautiful day, sunny, a little breeze, not hot and the most important, not humid. I hate it so much that I will never love shanghai.

When she was looking around on the other side of luoshan road, I watched her across the road, waiting for her to fix her eyes on me. 15 seconds later, we smiled at the same time.15 seconds is too long, 3 persons is all she could see alive, but that’s cute.

It was the first time we met, lasting 5 hours. Wonderful, just like the weather. When she talked about the mouse her friend raising and the bird she has owned, I saw the most beautiful face in the world. She was so excited and fascinated about cute animals, I cannot be like that even Catheline was naked in front of me. When she told me about the artist who has made cover for lots of famous building and also a beach in Australia, she had a serious face. When she said she failed in the chemistry exam, I felt her disappointing because she told her classmates she could pass even didn’t buy the book written by their chemistry teacher…. It was so great to have a vivid tianya in my face after 8 years emailing history….   ( to be continue maybe)

whatever you guys take this post as, a novel, a piece of autobiography, a bullshit, anything you like… I don’t know if I will come back and write on, or delete all my blogs, I don’t care…. I just miss you, tianya, miss you so much sweet.

it seems that only throwbacks can bring me back to zak's space......  i got my back hurt so bad last Saturday that i can't even bend. i was really scared cos it may take my couples of months off from sports, or leave me some horrible sequela with my whole life left. that's so nightmare, i am going to have an x-ray check this afternoon, everyone wish me a good result! but... who is everyone by the way.